So… Yup… I am officially a stand-up comic... Did my first open mic performance at the local club... That’s right… Ask me how it went!

Well, let me tell you – I totally underwhelmed them. But I wasn’t nearly as bad as I could have been. I have video of the show and as soon as I can figure out how to upload it somewhere I will share it out if anyone is interested. What I thought would be interesting though, would be to share my set with you here – and then when I can get the video up you can compare the actual delivery to the written plan. I am also hoping Jamie, my very good friend who did this all with me and better, will join me in blogging about here as we continue goofing around with trying to get passable at this.

First up the “Cons” of the night:
• I need to enunciate better (when I get nervous or excited and I have a lot of words to get through I tend to revert to a mixed Oklahoma/Utah accent and then start stumbling over myself)
• I need to know my material better (which is so weird since I wrote all of it, you would think I wouldn’t have to memorize anything…)
• I need to pattern my jokes closer to my own charming speaking rhythm (I started off with about 4 pages of jokes which were actually more like things that I found funny in a rambling sort of way and then I slowly whittled them down to a page of relatively classic stand-up structure of set-up/punchline with which I struggled in a vocal sense)
• I will probably be told that I need a haircut (by my lovely sister-in-law, Yvette)

And now the “Pros” of the night:
• I didn’t look nearly as nervous as I felt – though I still look nervous which should give you an idea of how nervous I really felt
• There was much more laughter than I remember hearing at the time
• Here is my final set (all jokes copyright 2008 – Benjamin D. Fuller) – things changed a bit once on stage based on nervousness and additional lines that popped up, but this is basically the whole 3 minute performance (with notes after each joke in parenthesis):

o Hey, what a great looking group – maybe not so much individually, but as a group not bad… (much funnier in execution)

o So, how’re you all doing? I’m Ben and I am half Chinese. My mom is from Taiwan and my dad is from Oklahoma. Growing up we ate Sweet and Sour Opossum. (I didn’t write this joke, my friend Nate did and my kids love it so much that they would have risen hell if I hadn’t used it – lucky for them I couldn’t come up with a joke in time that was funnier)

o Man, [awkwardly holding the microphone] how are you supposed to hold a Mic and come across as sexy without looking too gay… (Much funnier in execution and about as off color as I get in this set)

o I’m not gay, did I mention that? But I wouldn’t have a problem with being gay, honestly… I mean, they dress great, have great looking apartments, they eat great food… It’s just the whole naked guy thing. I don’t even like to see myself naked. (I needed a segue joke to get relatively harmlessly from the above to the next)

o Seriously, though, I’ve never gotten the whole fashion aspect of being gay. I mean, homosexuality is genetic – fine. Fashion isn’t, though, you know? Show me the part of your DNA that says “I am compelled to wear tight jeans and love to accessorize”, otherwise you are just muddying the waters for everyone. (This was a part of a much longer bit that my friend ZeitgeistBoy helped me figure out – however, I am feeling kind of bad about the gay jokes since I have many gay friends and co-workers and would hate to offend them, plus, really, the joke feels like it would have worked better 15 years ago…)

o I am pretty sure my parents were convinced I was gay as a teenager. But trust me, just because there’re five guys locked in a basement room playing Dungeons and Dragons doesn’t automatically mean there aren’t girls involved somehow. (True story)

o One of the most embarrassing moments of my life was when my dad taught me how to change the oil on my own car. My own son makes fun of me about it – especially since he was waiting to borrow it for a big date at the time. (I ended up dropping this from the performance because the punch line is fairly subtle and I think works better written than spoken)

o My mom’s feelings are hurt because I haven’t dated many Asian girls. She thinks I am embarrassed about my heritage. After my divorce she sent my picture to China without telling me. I started getting letters back: “I like long walk in beach, cook family. What interests are you?” I am more comfortable failing to communicate with American girls. (Almost completely true story – their written English was much better than that…)

o Girls… Girls are great… Everyone always tells me how beautiful the women in Utah are… and they are… in a hearty, all-American sort of way… plus, if you need them to, they’re genetically pre-disposed to pull a wagon across the continent on foot… (I shortened this up quite a bit from the original joke that I wrote, but the punch line is still pretty solid)

o I don’t go to church much, anymore. I can only feel so hypocritical before I start to feel bad. Sometimes I’ll catch a movie on Sunday instead. I just figure that if I get that feeling where I really need to be preached at while sitting in a big, badly-lit room in uncomfortable seats with a bunch of strangers, I might as well have nachos and a coke instead of bread and water... (This is my favorite joke of the bunch, but the set up is complicated for me to say easily and I really stressed over it – in the end it was all a moot point since I ran out of time)

Jamie’s set was excellent – it was his second time up and he was impressively relaxed and confident in his delivery and material. I am a bit jealous. I am hoping he will post the video of his performance as well.

For the next try I am going to rethink my whole set and write some new jokes and try to get them closer to my natural charming speaking voice. It should be an adventure – I am already making notes for my eventual sit-com.